This post is going to give you a quick rundown of the four different attachment styles and what they may look like in relationships! I felt inspired to write this post (and make a whole page dedicated to it) because of my own experience with attachment styles. Long story short: I got my heart broken, and attachment theory showed me why.
So if you’re in the same boat that I was – broken heart, feeling worse than normal, wading through dozens of pages trying to figure out why – keep reading! I’m going to summarize the basics of what I learned in a year and a half of binging every website and forum post about attachment styles.
Pssst – because this post deals with health topics, make sure to check out my disclosure here, first!
What are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are a part of a behavioural theory put forth in the late 60s by researchers Bowlby and Ainsworth (last names). It’s also conveniently a quadrant theory, where there’s a sliding scale of horizontal and vertical values. In other words, there are FOUR distinct attachment styles that we can map onto a grid.
On the horizontal axis, the scale goes from “high trust in self” to “low trust in self.” But for the vertical axis, there is “high trust in others” and “low trust in others.”
The four attachment styles fall into these quadrants based on which traits someone exhibits. They are: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful/disorganized. The last three are considered “insecure.”
These styles are basically survival mechanisms, and are formed within the first 9 months of life. They are heavily related to the quality and type of care given by our guardians.
Just to stress that a bit more: attachment styles are linked with our idea of survival. Babies can’t survive without help. So they develop strategies to make sure they get help…and survive. This means that any attachment style fears that come up can often resemble the fear we might feel in a critical moment of life and death. This does not diminish as we age because the patterns are strengthened over time. When interacting with one of the insecure styles, always remember that they’re just trying to survive in the ways they learned.
This doesn’t mean that we need to tolerate abuse or toxic behaviours. But sometimes it’s helpful to know that not everything someone does is intentional or planned.
Secure Attachment Style
As can be seen from the attachment style graphic above, “secure” falls into the grid under “high trust in others” AND “high trust in self.” This means that they are able to ask for help from others, but are also confident in listening to their own guidance. On Tiktok, this would also be known as being able to “self-regulate” and “co-regulate.” It is considered healthy to be able to do these things.
They grew up with guardians who modelled good co-regulation as well as self-regulation. Their guardians also provided consistent love and attention without conditions, especially during the first 9 months of life. Trauma or drastic changes to this type of care later in childhood can lead to an insecure style instead.
With a lot of work, it’s TOTALLY POSSIBLE to become what they call “earned secure.” By learning essential skills, like how to trust others (help seeking behaviours) and how to trust yourself (self-regulation), this attachment style is attainable. It’s a lot of work, but doable.
Secure Attachment Styles in Relationships:
Across many forum posts that I’ve read, it appears that people with secure attachment are usually the first to empathize with partners, ask clarifying questions, and try to co-regulate. If this fails (due the the partner’s trauma), they will then sometimes turn to forums, support groups, friends, family, or therapists. Descriptions of their situation are usually calm, and not overloaded with details.
They typically will not tolerate ghosting past 24hrs-48hrs, and will feel confident in their ability to move on and heal from most relationships. It is easy for them to approach others for support without fear of rejection or punishment.
In other words: they’re usually confident in their ability to heal, and feel comfortable accessing resources and people that can help that process.
Anxious Attachment Style
Anxious attachment style falls in the “high trust in others” and “low trust in self” quadrant. It is considered insecure. As can be imagined, people with this style tend to abandon themselves and listen to what everyone else says instead. This can result in behaviours like putting someone on a pedestal (aka, someone can do no wrong). When they do this, they often overlook glaring red flags and gaslight themselves into thinking they themselves are to blame.
They often grew up with guardians who did not show consistent love and attention. Instead, it was likely only given when the anxious person performed or did something to attract it. This often leads to internalizations like, “I’m not loveable unless I’m doing x, y, z.” Over time, this becomes a stable pattern and is not a conscious thought process.
Because of this, protest behaviours and people pleasing tendencies are common. Protest behaviours are unhealthy and indirect bids for attention and love. And people pleasing is just as it sounds: doing things specifically to make someone else happy or respond (usually at the expense of their own needs).
Anxious Attachment Styles in Relationships:
Anxious attachment styles typically give, give, give to their partners. They’re the ones leading the conversation, planning the dates, paying for the dates, going half/half, or doing whatever the partner has expressed will make them happy. It’s essentially people pleasing. If someone responds positively or gives continued attention, they equate this with love and form an attachment very quickly.
If the partner stops reciprocating in expected ways one day (for ex, they withdraw), the person with anxious attachment style may start to exhibit protest behaviours. These can include short bursts of silent treatment, passive aggressive comments, “huffing and puffing” about everything, explosive arguing, and nitpicking everything. THEY ARE NOT CONSCIOUS OF THESE PATTERNS AND THINK IT IS NORMAL. These are things that won attention/love from their guardians.
If the partner does not respond to their (toxic) bids for attention, people with anxious attachment tend to panic and feel afraid (life or death). They increase their bids for connection in multiple ways: oversharing on forums, with friends/family, and/or sending multiple long texts to their partners. They think that if they can just explain themselves the right way, people will finally understand. And if someone understands, it’s a type of attention that allows them to feel safe again.
Avoidant Attachment Style
This attachment style is characterized by “high trust in self” and “low trust in others.” It is considered insecure. And this is also the style that gets the most criticism and bias when it’s discussed. This is because most people who talk about attachment styles are anxious or fearful (leaning anxious). These styles quite literally work opposite of each other, and it’s hard for them to understand each other. But both are traumatized in different ways. Both have valid concerns.
In the case of avoidants, they were usually praised by their guardians for doing things on their own. Or they were given negative attention/scolded for approaching their guardians for help. Because of this, they learned to solve things alone. And if they did not have the resources for it in the moment, they put it aside for later. So while they may look calm on the surface, they’re often actually very anxious underneath because this is a survival mechanism.
Ghosting, silent treatment, and withdrawing without notice are very common reactions from people with avoidant attachment styles. This is not done out of malicious intent. But rather because they feel safer solving problems on their own or feel overwhelmed (as if it’s life-or-death).
Avoidant Attachment Styles in Relationships:
Avoidant attachment styles are usually that strong and independent type who seem to have everything figured out. They appear calm, cool, and collected, and they do it all for themselves. People with these attachment styles are often not sure about entering into a relationship, and sometimes say that they aren’t looking for something serious although they wish it would work out for them.
Because they have high trust in themselves, they also expect that their partners will operate the same way. It is expected that each person will have and take space to do their own hobbies, see their own friends, and handle their own emotional issues. If a partner does not share these values, this is when the person with avoidant attachment style might resort to strategies like ghosting, going silent, or withdrawing (one word answers).
If someone pushes them for answers or conversations before they are ready, they will feel unsafe – life-or-death. Their survival strategy was to withdraw, take space, or handle everything on their own. So it is seen as a threat if someone does not allow them to do this. They’re the least likely attachment style to get professional help, and may resist it when suggested.
Fearful/Disorganized Attachment Style
This style is considered to have “low trust in self” and “low trust in others.” It is considered insecure, and also typically has the most traumatic upbringing. In other words, people with fearful attachment style often have conscious memories and examples backing their behavioral pattern. Guardians were inconsistent (sometimes neglectful) and sometimes explosive. Anything could be punished: bids for attention, or existing silently. It was never possible to know what was coming next.
Because of this, they can often “prod” for information or clarification. This is to make sure that an explosion or punishment isn’t coming soon, or to control when it will happen (by prodding and annoying the person). The only way to truly heal this attachment style is through building a “first safe relationship” (often with a therapist who can practice unconditional positive regard).
People with this style often adopt a range of strategies from both Anxious and Avoidant attachment styles. Although, there are some unique to this one, too. One example is the push-pull dynamic (or, “go away…no, come back!”). Essentially, they get scared and push people away using reliable patterns (such as being vulgar, too quiet, too loud, or complaining too much) and then regret it and try to win the partner back.
Fearful/Disorganized Attachment Styles in Relationships:
People with this attachment style are wild and chaotic, like a thunderstorm passing through – here and then suddenly gone. They usually come back, but end up repeating it all over again. They will often feel unsafe when someone will not forgive them anymore (because it breaks the pattern they’re familiar with), which sometimes results in anxious or avoidant patterns surfacing.
Not all of them are this extreme, however. Their behaviour usually depends on the partner. Their best chance of a successful relationship is likely with a securely attached person, although they may also find this to be too boring. They may feel unsafe (a threat to their survival) without the chaotic and unpredictable pattern. But it’s also possible they may start to learn healthy co-regulation through the secure partner and begin to trust in stability.
With anxious partners, they tend to turn to avoidant behaviours. And with avoidant partners, they tend to use anxious behaviours. Added into the mix is whatever coping strategies they developed from the specific trauma they had to survive (most people with fearful/disorganized attachment style have C-PTSD or PTSD).
Conclusions
So hopefully now you know a little bit more about the four attachment styles. I tried to summarize years of learning into quick and easy signs and patterns. There are other websites that go into much more depth and detail. But the point of this post was to give a quick and easy introduction. If you resonated with one of these descriptions, please do go looking for more resources!
And another point that I wanted to stress by writing this is that…no style is inherently bad. We all grew up with different circumstances, and we don’t get to choose those circumstances. We’re just babies when we get here! So if guardians don’t know the best practices, then babies adapt the best they can. All of us are hardwired for survival. If you’re reading this now, be proud of how far you’ve made it!
Like anything, though, if you’re struggling in relationships because of one of the three insecure styles – it’s okay to start working on it. It’s okay to want to become more secure. It takes effort – these patterns have been reinforced our entire lives – but it’s totally possible.
One of my favourite self-education resources for this is Dr Kirk Honda’s YouTube channel, Psychology in Seattle. He’s an attachment trained therapist that comments on different relationship dynamics he sees on reality tv shows like 90 day fiancé. If you’re someone who learns by example, his commentary can teach you a lot!
If you’re someone who needs to take the therapy yourself, though, there’s also no shame in that. Please make sure to look for one who is trained in attachment style theory.
Another great resource is the Personal Development School, which has some free resources on YouTube to help you learn more about the different patterns.
Final Tip
The bolded and underlined part at the beginning of this post is why the “cry it out” method is HARMFUL to kiddos. Letting them cry it out is actually ignoring their attempt to get help for a survival need. And instead of learning to sleep on their own, they actually learn that no one is coming to help them. They become more anxious…and often develop one of the insecure attachment styles. Yes, there is horrifying research that shows this happening.
So if you want your kiddo to grow up feeling safe and secure, then letting them cry it out might not be the best idea.